MERLINIT

"Doctor, please help me. I have a terrible problem with farting. It's not really a social problem, because you can't smell it or hear it, but I must have farted 20 times since talking to you."

The Doctor nods his head and says,

"Take this bottle of pills and use them all. When they are all gone in about 2 weeks, come back to see me."

The old lady comes back 2 weeks later and is angry.

She says "What was in those pills? I fart just as much. You still can't hear them, but now they smell horrible!"

The Doctor again nods his head and says, "Great, that takes care of your sinus problem, now let's work on your hearing."

Confucius Says:

Man who run in Front of car get tired.

Man who run behind Car get exhausted.

Man with one Chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch butt Should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many Prunes get good run for money.

War does not Determine who is right, war determine who is Left.

Wife who put Husband in doghouse soon find him in Cathouse.

Man who drive like Hell, bound to get there

Man who live in Glass house should change clothes in Basement.

Man who fish in Other man's well often catch crabs.

Crowded elevator Smell different to midget.

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her

Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"

She asked.

"Hunting Flies"

He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"

She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.

"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,

"3 were on a beer can,

2 were on the phone.

Christmas Cake

2 c Flour

1 stick of butter

1 c water

1 tsp baking soda

1 c sugar

1 tsp salt

1 c brown sugar

Lemon juice

4 large eggs

Nuts

1 bottle brandy

2 c dried fruit

Sample the brandy to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the brandy again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffly bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point its best to make sure the brandy is still ok. Try another cup.....just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in a cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up of the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the brandy to check tonsisticity. Next sift two cups of salt. or something. Check the brandy. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degress and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally throw the bowl through the window. Finish the brandy and wipe counter with the cake.

The spoon:

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.

After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.

It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the male waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.

'Not everyone is so observant.

That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.

Microsoft Landing

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous.

At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it.

"Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."

End Joke