MERLINIT

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous.

At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it.

"Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."

Google

Sample

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

And what were you thinking of???

Mad Cow

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter....

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

Reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information…but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... and only having sex once a year, wouldn't you get mad?

Club Rugby All Blacks

28 July Front Page Joke

Events

30 Jul F1 Budapest Hungary

31 Jul Australia v All Blacks Melbourne 10:00 pm

31 Jul Counties Manukau v Otago Pukekohe 4:30 pm

07 Aug All Blacks v Australia Christchurch 7:35 pm

8 Aug Indy Car Series Lexington Results

V8 4 weeks 10 12 Sep

V 100728 = 20

Honeymoon

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school .'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think... I gave him my airplane glue.'

Queensland Beer

At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania),

Tooheys ( New South Wales ), XXXX ( Queensland ), CUB ( Victoria ) and Coopers ( South Australia ) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.

When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New.."

To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."

And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."

The General Manager of Carlton & United paused a moment and then placed his order: "VB."

The head of XXXX smiled and said "I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.

"Well," he said with a shrug, "if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

TAX

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc.

And then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a p,,," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a moment and the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a p..?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

NZ Girl Guides

A New Zealand attempt to create the longest-ever bra chain has been given a lift by a clothing chain store.

New Zealand Girl Guides are hoping to raise awareness for breast cancer by breaking the world record for the longest chain, set in Australia last year with 166,000 bras.

Postie Plus today announced its stores would act as collection points for the bras, and offered a $5 discount off any new bra purchase for each item donated.

Girl Guiding NZ chief executive Ruth Teasdale said she was thrilled the store had offered its support as it would make it much easier for people to donate to the chain.

Bras of any size and condition would be used to break the record, and those in the best condition would be sent to women in Africa, Haiti, the Pacific Islands or other countries.

News

Windows 7 Office 2010

Car Keys

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

The dying priest

An old priest lay dying in a hospital. He had faithfully served the people of NZ for many years. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

'Yes, Father?' said the nurse.

'I would really like to see Shane Jones and Chris Carter before I die', whispered the priest..

'I'll see what I can do, Father', replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to the Labour Party and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; Shane and Chris would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they drove to the hospital, Shane commented to Chris, 'I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images given the relations on our credit card spending, it might even save our political careers”! Chris agreed that it was a good thing wishing all the time he had bought Pansies rather than Roses for his boyfriend.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Shane’s hand in his right hand and Chris’s hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Shane Jones spoke: 'Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?'

The old priest slowly replied, 'I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.

Amen', said Shane.

Amen', said Chris..

The old priest continued: 'Jesus Christ our saviour died between two lying thieving bastards and I would like to do the same...’

NASA Picture of the Day

20th July 1969 man on the Moon

WAIAU PA AND PATTY VOLUNTEER FIRE RAFT RACE

6th November

10am start.

Family fun day / prizes.

Get friends together to build raft.

More info and raft entry forms shortly

Memory Stick Virus

The latest virus’s now jump on to a memory stick.

Check your memory stick.

Upgrade you antivirus definitions. Plug in the memory stick.

Go to My Computer. Right click on the memory stick

Scan with AVG or Malware Bytes.

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico City.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

"What is that you just served?" he asked the waiter.

"Ah senor, you have excellent taste!" the waiter replied. "Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

"What the heck, bring me an order."

"I am so sorry senor," the waiter replied. "There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter.

"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders.

"Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins..."