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The IT Consultant Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd, "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them.?
The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies, "Okay." The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer.
He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here." The shepherd cheers, "That's correct, you can have your sheep." The young man takes an animal and puts it in the back of his Porsche.
The shepherd looks at him and asks, "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?" The young man answers, "Yes, why not?" The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant." "How did you know?" asks the young man. "Very simple," answers the shepherd.
"First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don't understand anything about my business... "Now can I have my dog back?"
three guys in Saudi Arabia Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.
You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
Samaritan A man appears before the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks. "Well, I can think of one thing...." the man offers. "Once I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, I kicked his bike over, I ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, ' Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'" St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"A couple of minutes ago........................
UN Survey Last month, a survey was conducted by the U.N. worldwide. The only question asked was, " Would you please give your most honest opinion about a solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a HUGE failure. In Africa they did not know what "food" meant. In Western Europe they did not know what "shortage" meant. In Eastern Europe they did not know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they did not know what "solution" meant. In South America they did not know what "please" meant. In Asia they did not know what "honest" meant. And in the USA they did not know what "the rest of world " meant.
An Irish one... Three men: one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fella lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna, went to the toilet and returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse. The others raised their eyebrows. "Will you look at that" says Paddy, I'm getting a fax!"
HUSBANDS A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I am still a virgin. "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times? "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of- the-art method. Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "You're in Insurance. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
Always check the time A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot for "parking." He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He gets closer to the car and sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and knocks at the window. The young man lowers his window..." Yes, officer?" "What are you doing?" "Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine..." Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "I believe she's knitting a pullover..." The cop is totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night... and nothing obscene is happening! "What's your age, young man?" "I'm 25, sir..." "And her, what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and says:"She'll be 18 in 20 minutes..."
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P7 Joke v110131 MG |
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Memory was something you lost with age >An application was for employment >A program was a TV show >A cursor used profanity >A keyboard was a piano >A web was a spider's home >A virus was the flu >A CD was a bank account >A hard drive was a long trip on the road >A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
>And if you had a 3 inch floppy . .
>. . . you just hoped nobody ever found out |
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Smart Blond A blonde walks into a bank in Sydney and asks for the loan officer. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" |
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Well, I never knew that !!!!
In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb".
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king in history: Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand
Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it..........
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amazing huh?
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow
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LITTLE HARRY ON MATHS (Part 1) A teacher asks her class, ' If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left? ' LITTLE HARRY ON MATH (Part 2) Little Harry returns from school and says he got an ' F ' in arithmetic. LITTLE HARRY ON ENGLISH Little Harry goes to school, and the teacher says, ' Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words in our class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word? ' LITTLE HARRY ON GRAMMAR Little Harry was sitting in the class one day. LITTLE HARRY ON GRAMMAR(Part 2) One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word ' beautiful ' in the same sentence twice.. LITTLE HARRY ON GETTING OLDER Little Harry was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar after another. |
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Fun Time 1. Go to Google Maps. 2. Go to "Get Directions". 3. Type Japan as the start location. 4. Type China as the end location. 5. Go to step # 42. |
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And How Did You Die?
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer of the day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01am, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died." "No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing Could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." "No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his REFRIGERATOR, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly." The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter. A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says, "Please tell me how you died." The third man says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..." |